Family members

Right now, this is probably the hardest on my family. 

I am just going through the motions of testing, scans, blood draws, just one step after another with no panic yet. 

But I see my husband's panic and interrupted sleep; my daughter, who is in college, crying helplessly on the phone, or my 10 year old son learning how to fry eggs and bringing us breakfast-in-bed on weekends or peeling endless pomegranates for me, or my parents zoom calls with endless cure discussions. 

So far, I am the only one that is not panicking yet -- my attitude is -- it is what it is and I continue to live with the parties, volleyball and son's playdates until I can't ... why rob myself and others way ahead of time of anything. And I am trying to keep up everyone's moral so they don't fall apart. 

I keep waiting for it to catch up to me and keep thinking -- what is wrong with me. I am genuinely fine right now.  Some people break a leg and put a cast on, I get cancer and there is a cure. Why worry now about if and buts...

A few people I talked to who have been though cancer, all described crying, depression struggles, the why me questions --- and I have not gotten to that yet.