3rd AC chemo

This chemo was hard. I was sick the night before so could barely muster the strength to get to the hospital. And, of course, this was the day when everything had to go wrong...

First, we ended up waiting extra time to every appointment: labs, doctor, infusion and time was as slow as molasses.

Second, there is a very distracted, overwhelmed nurse. We had got her during my very first infusion when told us she didn't know what to do, and even this time she was as disorganized as ever and everything took too long. But the icing on the cake was when we finally left the hospital and she called back in half an hour to let us know that she forgot to attach the Neulasta patch and we have to go back.

Thirdly, when we finally got back to the hospital, she hurriedly attached the shot capsule in a small hidden room to the side of my arm in a way that for the next day I couldn't use the arm much as the capsule stuck out at odd angle.

After living through, now, 15 chemo sessions I can say --- I hate chemo with a vengeance. And I have been dealt the "easy hand" --- I managed to avoid a lot of side effects that others  suffer though.... and it is still really tough. The cumulative effect just slowly swallows you whole like a whale. The overwhelming fatigue, that no sleep can cure, the coughing, sensitivity to smells, lack of sleep, getting tired of walking for more than 20 minutes....

I have one more chemo left, the last one and it is like the tantalizing new horizon of my normal, regular life back, just dangling there almost at a hand reach. 

 

Family members

Right now, this is probably the hardest on my family. 

I am just going through the motions of testing, scans, blood draws, just one step after another with no panic yet. 

But I see my husband's panic and interrupted sleep; my daughter, who is in college, crying helplessly on the phone, or my 10 year old son learning how to fry eggs and bringing us breakfast-in-bed on weekends or peeling endless pomegranates for me, or my parents zoom calls with endless cure discussions. 

So far, I am the only one that is not panicking yet -- my attitude is -- it is what it is and I continue to live with the parties, volleyball and son's playdates until I can't ... why rob myself and others way ahead of time of anything. And I am trying to keep up everyone's moral so they don't fall apart. 

I keep waiting for it to catch up to me and keep thinking -- what is wrong with me. I am genuinely fine right now.  Some people break a leg and put a cast on, I get cancer and there is a cure. Why worry now about if and buts...

A few people I talked to who have been though cancer, all described crying, depression struggles, the why me questions --- and I have not gotten to that yet.