Family members

Right now, this is probably the hardest on my family. 

I am just going through the motions of testing, scans, blood draws, just one step after another with no panic yet. 

But I see my husband's panic and interrupted sleep; my daughter, who is in college, crying helplessly on the phone, or my 10 year old son learning how to fry eggs and bringing us breakfast-in-bed on weekends or peeling endless pomegranates for me, or my parents zoom calls with endless cure discussions. 

So far, I am the only one that is not panicking yet -- my attitude is -- it is what it is and I continue to live with the parties, volleyball and son's playdates until I can't ... why rob myself and others way ahead of time of anything. And I am trying to keep up everyone's moral so they don't fall apart. 

I keep waiting for it to catch up to me and keep thinking -- what is wrong with me. I am genuinely fine right now.  Some people break a leg and put a cast on, I get cancer and there is a cure. Why worry now about if and buts...

A few people I talked to who have been though cancer, all described crying, depression struggles, the why me questions --- and I have not gotten to that yet.

Letting people know

Cancer. Breast cancer, triple negative. How do you tell people? Just come out and say it -- and then there is an awkward silence, or crying or hurried reassurances that "in this day and age they will figure it out". 

I think so far that has been the hardest part -- whom to tell, how to tell, and how to handle their crying. Or their prying eyes that try to find the cancer now -- you look kind of pale... and I don't. Who would have thought that this would be something I would have to think about and figure out now... 

With all the tests, hospital visits and insurance calls between the normal daily life, I have just been able to tell very few close friends and few family members. But then again, what do you say? Got cancer, but do know yet what to do with it, or how to treat it and it is a rare kind, fast growing... and, by the way, please don't panic.

I got my diagnosis December 1st, a few days before my mom's birthday. George, who is in complete panic mode insists that I tell my parents and kids right this minute. 

So I waited to tell after mom's birthday and then told my daughter who is in college, though it is her exam week and she would be home at the end of December.... 

George felt it couldn't wait and everyone deals with this in their own way.